To My Sons on Mother’s Day

GDF Coaching_Gina and Boys

Dear Jack and Tanner,

It is 5:45 am. The alarm goes off as it does every morning. Our lives sure have changed, and the routine we’ve developed as a family of 3 begins as it does every morning. I wake, cross my fingers I can sneak in a cup of coffee before you two loves barrel down the stairs demanding pancakes and technology. But first, you run into my arms. You run hard and fast and bury your little heads into my chest. You fight over me. You fight for who gets to sit closer and hug me tighter. I breathe you in, smelling your innocence, your devotion and love for me. And for a moment, the first moment in the morning, all is well in the world. In that scent, in that embrace, I forget about the normal stress the day will bring.

I finish my coffee as I head upstairs to shower and dress you. You follow, like my sheep, just wanting to be near me. Wanting to tell me the most important thoughts in your head. I try my best to pay attention, but my mind is already racing.

As we get in the car and say our morning prayer, my head is already spinning. My mind is in survival mode. Clients, bills, taxes, insecurities, race through my thoughts. I try to lose myself in music, but the chatter you provide from the backseat causes a distraction from everything. In that moment, the guilt builds. By 7:00 am, I feel like I have failed you. I drop you off, hug you tight and wish you a great day. Saying I’ll miss you, and see you soon.

I arrive back to my office or head off to clients. I’m a different person. I’m not Mommy. I’m Gina DiStefano Fernandez, Business Owner. I change who I am, how I think, and how I project myself out into the world. This woman is fierce, strong and in control. She can negotiate deals, handle COO’s and manage all her business affairs with confidence and determination. She is powerful.

As the day progresses, you are never far from my thoughts, as every decision I make revolves around you. What’s best for you? How can I provide the most for you? How can I heal you? You dominate my day. In every action, thought, decision. Your best interests are always a priority. And you know the hardest part? I fear it will never be good enough. For you are my world, my life, my everything.

The day is now winding down. I rush to pick you up. This is the most stressful part of the day. The part of the day I feel the most guilt. As I walk into your school, you run to me, so excited to see me and tell me all about your day. But I am tired, I am so tired. I have no extra set of hands at the end of the day. Know that even though I may appear frustrated, I am listening. I care. I am here.

By the time we arrive home, you’re in full force of your demands. I have to make lunches, check homework, pack bags for the next day and make dinner. I’m also in and out of my office returning calls and e-mails. It never stops for me. You two are fighting over toys, TV, and snacks. There’s a lot of yelling. Mostly on my part. I know. I need to chill out.

Shower time is now here…a relief, meaning bedtime is near. Most of the time you’re great, and this is our time to relax together. Other times, it feels like you’ve chugged a king size Mountain Dew and are just trying to torture me.

As I tuck you into bed, and we say our nighttime prayers, I feel the same peace come over me as I did in the morning. I did it. I survived another day. You appear happy, you laugh, you love me, and we cuddle. I close the door and head downstairs for a few moments of peace.

I need you to know this. Every night… Every. Single. Night. after you fall asleep, I enter your room and stand over you. I stand in utter gratitude that I was blessed to be your Mother. I apologize for all the yelling, for the short temper, and I pray for your forgiveness. I want you to know you’ll always be taken care of. I’ll always have your back. I’ll never judge you, and make sure you get whatever you need in this lifetime. We’re all on our own path. I am so grateful for the lessons you are providing for me. And I’m sorry if, at times, it may appear my frustration trumps my gratitude.

No one in my life has ever made me feel as privileged, honored and special as you do. I sometimes make mistakes, I sometimes make bad choices. We are all human, in the same boat, doing our best every day.

Thank you. Thank you for showing me what true, unconditional love is. Thank you for loving me as I am.

Because besides Mommy and Businesswoman…there is the third Gina. This Gina is trying to figure out life like everyone else. She seeks clarity in a world of chaos. This woman is genuine, honest, truthful and sometimes too hard and too naïve. She learns basic lessons through your innocence. Love freely, express yourself, don’t be afraid, ashamed or scared. Attack life. Go after what you want and make no apologies.

My hope is you’ll read this. You’ll read this at 10, 20, and 30-years old, over and over throughout your life, and get a better understanding of who your mother is. She is a complex creature. She is a seeker. She can make shit happen. I want you to attack life. Know that no matter how scary and overwhelming it gets, it will always be ok. I love you. I love you so much it takes my breath away and causes a constant surge of gratitude. Thank you. Thank you for every piece of you. No one will ever love you like your mother. No one.

 


Gina DiStefano Fernandez, founder of GDF Coaching, LLC, was established after 15 years combined experience in executive level recruiting and working for one of the largest restaurant corporations in the world.  Gina holds a wealth of knowledge surrounding people development, hiring, leadership training, personal growth and career transition.  For more information, visit her website at www.gdfcoaching.com

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Comments
  • Keri Jo Patterson
    Reply

    OH, Gina…this was the most beautiful letter! So genuine and heartfelt…you are indeed a beautiful, strong woman. Your boys are so blessed to have such a wonderful Mother and role model, and I am blessed to have you as a friend. Wishing you all the very best, always!

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